when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize