btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
