weddingsv make me drug and hornr
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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