I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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