yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
