That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
