I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
