I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
