a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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