very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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