Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I am naked and annoyed.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
