you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
