my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
