so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
