I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
she told me i tasted like america
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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