respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
