I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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