Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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