I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
