I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
