Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
that is very illegal...i love you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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