smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
