I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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