OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
