Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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