Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i think i just lost a toe
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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