I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize