laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
