he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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