Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
