How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
