Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
