i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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