We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
