I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
i drank out of a bidet.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
