Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
