your parents love me but you hate me
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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