I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
