I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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