how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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