i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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