I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
