I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
