So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
