Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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