I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
