You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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