I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
