How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
