I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
