As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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