If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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