My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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