God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize