im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
