I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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