there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
