the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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