I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I love you.
Bad choice
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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