You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
