I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
