I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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